About strenght

A few years ago I was in war.
In war with myself.
Salty tears down my cheek.
Unanswered questions hung cheeky up in the ceiling like balloons.
The contours that were clear were suddenly blurred
Sad characters who danced samba all night.
Anxiety had a firm stranglehold on my neck.
Rabbit pulse was palpable.
So easy to succumb.
Place the victim crown of thorns on my head.
Really hard so that the skin scratched pieces of thorn branches.

But.
The only good thing about wars is that they often have an ending.
And you take your memories and weaves them together with everything else.
Make trades and getting stronger.
Do not forget.
Never forget.
Because the greatest human beings tattoo themselves
On the inside.
Nothing rub directly, but sometimes feels a bit extra.
In a particular movement.
Today I'm amazed how many storms a human can have.
Without disapearing into dust.
Cause the desert dry your soul.
Without hope.

So.
Like water that caresses the desert brought me again slowly to life.
What once was no soul thirsts for more.
The seed is sown.
It grows stronger with every breath.
And again full of life.
Isn´t it a bit strange?
As time passes, take the one where the strength of the grief.
And finally.
Can you rejoice.
Remember and be grateful.
Feeling just stronger.
Grateful and strong.
And full of love for those whom I call my family.

Olives, coffee and Woody Allen

There are things in life that I never liked as a child. For example, olives, coffee and Woody Allen. Today, I love all three of those things. A cup of freshly made coffee in the morning. And garlic marinated olives in a fresh salad. Yummie! Finally, a sexy Woody Allen in my bed. Hehe, just kidding. With that sexy part.

My mother has always loved Woody Allen films. I tried to see Hannah and her Sisters as a teenager but I fell asleep in the introduction. But, when I was a few years older I saw Melinda and Melinda and fell in love. Since then I have seen every film of this excellent filmmaker.

His latest movie Midnight in Paris will premiere in Sweden september 2 but I'm going on Monday to see the movie in an exclusive previewshow.

Have you seen this movie? What did you think of it?

Day 10 – Something that upsets you

There are obvious things that makes me upset. I think of big things like war, injustice, abuse of power and violence in all forms, especially the vulnerable such as children and animals. But if I concentrate on the personal level, there's something I really hate like the plague. What I think of is envy.

Envy is mentioned as one of the seven deadly sins. It's really not so surprising that many of mankind horrible actions often are rooted in envy of all kinds. You probably agree with me on that. But - when it comes to the personal level, I think probably all of us have ever suffered from envy or jealousy. I have sometimes suffered from streaks of it and it gives and does not create any positive feelings or bring any happiness in life. On the contrary, the more you caves down in this you more unhappier you become.

"There is a special place in hell for women who do not help each other."

 - The winged words are Madeleine Albrights America's first female foreign minister. One can only hope she is right. One can also hope for the opposite. A special place in heaven for women who help each other would be, the more pleasant.

I myself have been involved in female co-workers or friends felt threatened by me. Why me, I do not really understand. Most of them who really knows me, knows that I'd rather be in the background and hates to be seen and heard too much. I am quite shy of me, especially when it comes to unfamiliar social situations or new people.

On one occasion I was hired with another girl to the same job that was initially only ment for one person. The boss said with a little teasing tone that we could compete with each other. I took it all with calm. If it wasen´t for the other girl who took it all very or too much seriously. She drove the whole range of dirty tricks and as soon as I had success with things you more green with envy, she was. It ended sadly when I gave up because I could not handle her. Now I was very young at the time and if it have been today I would probably have stayed and given her a real fight.When it comes to love relationships, there is no relationship more destroying than jealousy. Being jealous of your boyfriends female friends is a classic trap. And - yes, I have been in the degrading situation myself. But I have because of my experience, decided to stop thinking so negatively about myself and others. For what I send out will return to me. I send out love and positive thoughts about myself and I'll reap the rewards of that too.

Day 08 – A moment

The woman looked up at me with a light flickering and nervous eyes, snatched her knitted hat on the chair and went against me. She limped slightly, and I saw that her coarsed face had been through a lot.

- Yikes, she exclaimed suddenly, with a clear Finnish accent and I could smell a slight alcohol scent around her.

I smiled warmly at her and took her hand, which was rough as sandpaper.
- Hello! My name is Linda and dental assistant and you know what? I say the same when I go to the dentist.
She laughed and looked at me with big eyes, surprised.
- Damn, what a relief that I´m not alone! I drunk a big glass of alcohol this morning cause I wated to calm my nerves.

When we got into the treatment room, she threw her snuff pouch in the bin, took off the red worn down jacket and sat in the patient's chair.
I felt a twinge of nervousness in my stomach, trying to repress feelings of uncertainty for this first visit. While I washed my hands, I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.

- The dentist will be here soon. I just wanted to go through a few simple questions with you if it's OK?
- Well .... she said as she took a sip of it laid out water cups.

I sat down with her journal and began to ask for her data such as name, number and home address. Things that many of us are not so worried about, but the woman who sat in front of me, she found to difficult to answer.

- Well .... She squinted her eyes and stared at her worn and dirty trainers. I ... shit. I have not had a permanent home for many many years she finally said.

-I understand I said.

-But I sometimes I have contact with my doctor in Stockholm. I have had a wound on my foot that will not heal properly so I go to him sometimes.

I nodded and listened to her attentively.

- Are you getting any help from the social services, I asked.

The woman drew a long sigh and shook her head.

- I do not want those people i my life since they took my children. She looked me straight in the eyes to see how I reacted. Damn these bastards! she cried suddenly.

I winced a little, I almost dropped the journal and said without hesitation:

- Kirsti, now you are here with us, we will be able to help you with your problems with your teeth. Our dentist Patricia is a warm and professional human being to help people in your situation with their dental problems.

She looked at me and said she knows several friends who have been helped by Patricia and they become completely different people. They do not need to hide their smile anymore. That's why I'm here, she emphasized. I want to quit the booze and all the shit she said with tears in her voice.

I took her hand and promised her that she will be able to smile again without any embarrassment.

Day 02 – Your first love

I was six years old and had just started kindergarten. I had never understood this thing about being in love with someone before. Oh heck of childish boys! Until I got to know Robert in my class. True, he was a boy but a very special one. He had curly hair. He used to pull my hair and he was the only one that I allowed to do that without my protest. When we played girl and-boy-hunting out on the playground, I loved to chase him and he me. Until one day I said to Robert before we were going home that I heart him. Well, he said as he put on his backpack Solomon and so he ran away to his waiting male friends.

After that Robert did not pull my hair. He did not chased me, not even during our games anymore. Even so, I thought nothing of his reaction. I was probably too young to analyze the whole thing apart. But one afternoon during break, Roberts big brother came with some tough guy friends at the playground. We girls jumped rope as he called out asking who heart his little brother! The moment he said it, I was just as petrified. My heart was beating like crazy and my cheeks were becoming increasingly redder. Who among you is she, he said and laughed. When he declared that she did wear glasses I was about to die of shame. Just when I thought the race was run the bell rang and everyone rushed in again. That's what I did with glowing cheeks.

Pre-school year went by and I forgot about the whole thing. I started first grade at another school and got new classmates. At our graduation, it was decided that we would celebrate with another school. So, when I sit on the bench with my nice new pink clothes that mom sewed and freshly picked flowers in my hands so I suddenly hear someone shouting, Linda! Lindaaaaaaaa! and when I turned around to see who it is, so I saw Robert's happy face. I was sinking through the earth. I mumbled a quiet hello and stared at the ground. Blushing.

Right after that my grandfather said to me that I should look into the camera and Click! there you have the image in post. A seven-years old  Linda who just wants to disappear from the earth's surface, as she has just suffered her first love.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself

I am a dental assistant. Today I do not understand why I choosed this career at all. How much fun as it is to suck up saliva all day? Mess with unruly tongues? Chat with a borig old man, the dentist also my boss, who is just interested in golf? Or say go ahead and rinse your mouth the day out day in? It took me just about 30 years to understand. Understand what I'm passionate about. Today I know. It feels good. Really good.

When I was a bit lost in life a few years ago, I went to a shrink. My God, do you think. What a little sad little person she seems to be this woman. Perhaps a little broken in the heart, I would say. I went to the shrink cause he would give me some tools, so I could fix my heart. I remember very well when I with trembling legs got in the psychiatric clinic. Yes, you can hear for yourself, P-S-Y-C clinic. Well, I thought, now it's official, I am a madcap! I was so nervous when I annouced my arrival to the receptionist. She asked me to sit down in the waiting room. It was empty, I remember. Some pieces thumbed issues of the magazine Health was lying on the table. Mr Svensson I mumbled nervously to myself. It sounds like a safe and teddy bear kind uncle with bald, comfortable sandals and corduroy pants. Total harmless. And when the best looking man I've ever seen (yes, THE absolute nicest man) walks up to me and speaks my name I end up in shock. I just stared at this beautiful creature and could not make a sound, not a mine. An old bould man ... My psychologist was David Duchovny! I thought that if I should flee the field, so it is now. But I choosed not to flee the time. I swallowed hard and went with him into the room. And today we are married and have four wonderful children! Hahaha ... no, I'm just kidding. Why am I telling this? Maybe because it's part of my story. My last four years have been tumultuous. Some things I can not really put into words yet, but I probably will in the future. There are also some great things too. The wind has changed, as Scorpions sings.

Thank you for listening.

Go ahead and rinse your mouth!