Running up that hill





Life feels a bit fragile at the moment. My father is noticeably more tired now, during his chemo treatments and I am concerned. He was diagnosed with cancer this summer in the bowel and liver. On monday he will have the first of two operations and I´m so nervous. My whole heart wishes that he will fix this. I am not prepared to say goodbye now. It is far too early. He is only 60 years old and still working. We have in recent years found each other, on one of those nice way. We can sit and talk about everything over a cup of coffee and hours can go. These moments are the best things I know.

Fake it until you make it

Dancing On My Own

Her name is Robyn. She is from Sweden. I think she´s awesome.

Come and get me autumn!

Some inspiring coffe table books, a lighted candle and a nice cup of tea and I'm ready for fall. Come and get me!

Last swim for the season

Probably this summers last swim in the lake with my dog Charlie. Autumn is next.

She had made yet another wise shopping decision

I´ve just bought these lovely vintage pumps from swedish ELLE´s editor Maria and I love love love them.

About strenght

A few years ago I was in war.
In war with myself.
Salty tears down my cheek.
Unanswered questions hung cheeky up in the ceiling like balloons.
The contours that were clear were suddenly blurred
Sad characters who danced samba all night.
Anxiety had a firm stranglehold on my neck.
Rabbit pulse was palpable.
So easy to succumb.
Place the victim crown of thorns on my head.
Really hard so that the skin scratched pieces of thorn branches.

But.
The only good thing about wars is that they often have an ending.
And you take your memories and weaves them together with everything else.
Make trades and getting stronger.
Do not forget.
Never forget.
Because the greatest human beings tattoo themselves
On the inside.
Nothing rub directly, but sometimes feels a bit extra.
In a particular movement.
Today I'm amazed how many storms a human can have.
Without disapearing into dust.
Cause the desert dry your soul.
Without hope.

So.
Like water that caresses the desert brought me again slowly to life.
What once was no soul thirsts for more.
The seed is sown.
It grows stronger with every breath.
And again full of life.
Isn´t it a bit strange?
As time passes, take the one where the strength of the grief.
And finally.
Can you rejoice.
Remember and be grateful.
Feeling just stronger.
Grateful and strong.
And full of love for those whom I call my family.

Summer´s last breath

Dress - oasis-stores.com
Bag - jades24.com
Wedges - zara.com
Earrings - zara.com
Bracelet - evans.co.uk
Nail polish - nordstrom.com

Day 12 – Your fears

When I was little girl I was afraid of so many things. Like thunder, big black dogs, flies and drunk old men. There lived a fat drunk old man named Jerry on the floor below my best friend. He used to swear in Finnish at us kids when he came revelers with his drinking buddies on the yard. Every time I visited my best friend Jenny I stopped and became completely paralyzed with fear when I realized that I had to run past Jerrys door to get to my playmates door. I remember that I first stopped, hesitated if I would dare, and finally after a few seconds of shilly-shallying with high rabbit heart pulse I ran as fast as I could.

Today I am not afraid of drunk old men or big black dogs anymore. Partly because I have learned that alcohol often makes them wobbly and slow, and dogs ... as long as they are well behaved, they are of course wonderful.

But this does not mean that I´m completely free from fears. unfortunately. They just are a little different nowdays. For example, to really let people get close to me. Why is it one of my worst fears? I will do well as I am? Yes, theoretically, I know it, but emotionally I don´t know. The is a gap there. But I am at least aware of it now. I was not before.

A wise man told me once that self-esteem is like a sourdough. It must always be fed and maintained otherwise it dies. And the next thought that strikes me is what I feed it with ... In all the years I have been a real city girl all the way out to my fingertips. But today, I live in a charming small house in the countryside and I love it. To closely see the changes in nature and take in the harmony that nature gives to me is so spiritually good for my body and soul. The feeling of pulling up the blinds in the morning and look at my neighbor's beautiful horses are indescribable. It beats all the shopping streets in the world!

About the fears. I realize of course that they will still bee there but in different forms through my life. There is no point to avoid the fears all the time, it makes me probably just exhausted. It´s just to spit in my hands and meet them quite and easily. Something like that.

IKEA 2012

We know that fall is here when the new IKEA catalog arrives in the mailbox. Lovely! I need to add some stuff at home so ít´s perfect.
Did you know that IKEA is a swedish company?

A tribute to Joan

I don´t want a world where people call Christina Hendricks who plays Joan Holloway in Mad Men for a big woman. But they do. All the time. However, there is another large camp that celebrates her body. I am one of them.
Because I can not help feeling a great relief to see a woman that draws larger sizes than size zero. For they are often banned from television and newspapers.



But I also focuses on Christina's body - which in a sense is a rejection of society and the media. Cause had actors like Joan been a regular on TV I probably haven´t noticed that. This is about habit, of course.

Today we believe that most HM models are slim. They are not. They are underweight (if you look at their body mass index). Had one of them appeared on television in the fifties I garantee that people had been talking about them. But we have gotten used to this underwights bodies to the point that we believe strongly underweight people is just a bit skinny.

I'm not saying it is wrong to be thin, or that all underweight are starving themselves or that they are ugly. I think there are many women who naturally end up low on the BMI scale that are beautiful and they should not have to take any crap for how they look. But we also need more women like Joan on the television screen.

Because if we will see more women that draws larger sizes, you may narrow the skinnypanic, and those feelings of injustice diminishes. It is not right that curvy women is rejected like that.

Jump into the leaves



I would love to wear this outfit. The combination of this colours smells like autumn.

Poncho - conleys.de

Top - topshop.com

Jeans - net-a-porter.com

Shoes - heels.com

Bag - net-a-porter.com

Necklace - forever21.com

Earrings - oasis-stores.com

Olives, coffee and Woody Allen

There are things in life that I never liked as a child. For example, olives, coffee and Woody Allen. Today, I love all three of those things. A cup of freshly made coffee in the morning. And garlic marinated olives in a fresh salad. Yummie! Finally, a sexy Woody Allen in my bed. Hehe, just kidding. With that sexy part.

My mother has always loved Woody Allen films. I tried to see Hannah and her Sisters as a teenager but I fell asleep in the introduction. But, when I was a few years older I saw Melinda and Melinda and fell in love. Since then I have seen every film of this excellent filmmaker.

His latest movie Midnight in Paris will premiere in Sweden september 2 but I'm going on Monday to see the movie in an exclusive previewshow.

Have you seen this movie? What did you think of it?

Day 11 – A house

The best thing I ever knew was when my grandfather had hidden the contents of a candybag in the bushes in the garden of our countrycottage, where we used to live in the summer. Or when me and my grandmother went our walking in the woods looking for mushrooms and beautiful flowers. Sometimes she stumbled and then she would always say -Oooopsidaisy!, loud and then I used to laugh. Even today I say the same thing when I stumble or so.

I will never forget our lovely family dinners in this pretty small countryhouse. Once lightning struck down in our cottage during a family dinner. It hissed and flashed leaving a huge burn mark on the wallpaper. The thunder that came at the same moment, almost lifted the whole house up in the air. I sat in daddy's lap and my legs were shaking with fear. Grandpa got up with a pale and frightened face and said with trembling voice: - Dear family! Now we are taking it easy. (So much my grandfather).

The cottage in the picture was the family's favorite spot and I have so many wonderful memories from there.


I used to sit in the outhouse and philosophizng with the door open. My family thought it was so humorous and they immortalized it in a photo.

Gotta love the flea markets

I bought this lovely lamp on a flea market for only $23 (USD). Will fit nicely next to the armchair.

I imagine sitting there this autumn with a good book and a cup of tea when it´s raining cats and dogs outside.

Blackberries, the ones you eat

There is a lot of blackberries right now in the countryside of Sweden where I live. Really nice. I wonder what I can do with it ... jam, juice and pies. Delicious!
In swedish this berries are called 'Björnbär'. That means Bearberries. Kind of funny I think. But I would not like to face an angry bear who thinks I steal his food. Imagine that.

About being single

You know all those movies about single girls in their 30s who hunt for the perfect career and the perfect man? Those kinds of movies that are fun to watch from a distance, but no one really wants to live in? Well, I'm in it. Though there are not as many brunches with perfect dressed girlfriends with successful careers, not as much money for extravagant shopping adventures, and not as many proposers (in the movies, there are always two, preferably one good and one bad, and at least one of them played by Hugh Grant).

I have many friends in my age. It's just that most people do not play in the same film. A while ago they switched the channel and now is the American family sitcoms with a laugh machine which lightens the mood, every four minutes. I sit a bit confused still with the remote in my hand and I slowly realize that they have gone to the other side of the screen, living the life I can only look at the glow of a flat screen. For they have done as you should, in real life. They have moved on. They have secured a steady job and a secure income. Fished up a partner. Possibly multiplied by the same. Determined to be us rather than me and myself.

Friendship's sort of by definition, secondary to the love. Not unimportant, but secondary. They found a higher purpose. It is always fascinating and compelling to watch. Just as the phenomenon of people who have children and explain that it is now life begins. Before the children they had nothing. And it does not matter how many movies about SATC Manolo heels in the desert to produce, for in reality, the single life no higher status than a couple entered cheap shoes from Wal-Mart.
Are you in marriage age and somehow still single there is a huge risk that we-people gets easily uncomfortable. If this perversion of the human family could get together and go into life, part two. So you did not have to feel guilty when you have other commitments and priorities that singles does not understand.

In defense you are lying about how good it is to be on your own. You try to make solitude to a status concept. And every single biological clock is still ticking ... No stress, they say. And yet it is just glass facades that threatens to crush from everyday asphalt. For the hand of the lonely heart it is a fact of life that most of us just want to be a part of just one of those couples who have other priorities. Which is perhaps a little jealous of the unbound single life, but at the end of the day they still are content to not be one of the lost souls. Who can see things clearly and at a safe distance from the pillow on the relative pedestal.

 Who can get his life served with laughter intervals every four minutes.

At the cafe

Happiness is when I finally found this photograph that I bought in a bookstore several years ago. Isn´t it lovely?

Photo: Maurice Branger, 1925

In a better world

I have seen a really good movie called In a better world. This film deals with violence, revenge spriral evil and its consequences. From horrible abuse of women in African refugee camps to brutal bullying in the schoolyard in a Danish smalltown. As in the director Susanne Bier's previous films this deals with heavy topics to an everyday level, but always without any sentimentality.

Mikael Persbrant plays doctor Anton who volunteer in the third world sometimes as a way to get away from his broken marriage at home.
His twelve year old son Elijah walk with heavy steps to school every day because of his harassers to classmates who bully him. One day a boy called Christian begins in Elias class, he recently lost his mother in cancer and carries a tremendous sadness, anger and frustration over his family situation with an absent father. Christian cling to the bullied Elias and whips the shit out of the biggest bully of them all with a bicycle pump.

These young boys are developing a dangerous friendship built on anger against injustice and Elijah's blind faith in his first real friend. Schoolyard conflicts end up soon on the parents' table. Elijah´s father Anton is preaching to him about turning the other cheek to a head when a local bully gives him a slap infront of the kids. Anton's habit to stay out of conflicts from Africa is completely alien from the rooster of the boys have learned in the schoolyard. Christian's father, Claus tries to explain that violence begets violence, that is how wars start, but the ball is already set in motion.



The acting is very natural and you get touched by the strong characters. The strongest of all the child actors, is especially William Jøhnk Nielsen, who plays Christian. What strikes me is how incredible similar Christian is a young Christian Bale in Empire of the sun. Both in appearance and facial expressions.



Susanne Bier describes the conflicts behind the home's walls and the major topics in family life in a very clever way. The story feels like moving straight through, leaving virtually no one untouched. The film works well as a good basis for discussions about school violence and fear as it methodically draws parallels between the violence in Africa and what happens on our school yards.

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Day 10 – Something that upsets you

There are obvious things that makes me upset. I think of big things like war, injustice, abuse of power and violence in all forms, especially the vulnerable such as children and animals. But if I concentrate on the personal level, there's something I really hate like the plague. What I think of is envy.

Envy is mentioned as one of the seven deadly sins. It's really not so surprising that many of mankind horrible actions often are rooted in envy of all kinds. You probably agree with me on that. But - when it comes to the personal level, I think probably all of us have ever suffered from envy or jealousy. I have sometimes suffered from streaks of it and it gives and does not create any positive feelings or bring any happiness in life. On the contrary, the more you caves down in this you more unhappier you become.

"There is a special place in hell for women who do not help each other."

 - The winged words are Madeleine Albrights America's first female foreign minister. One can only hope she is right. One can also hope for the opposite. A special place in heaven for women who help each other would be, the more pleasant.

I myself have been involved in female co-workers or friends felt threatened by me. Why me, I do not really understand. Most of them who really knows me, knows that I'd rather be in the background and hates to be seen and heard too much. I am quite shy of me, especially when it comes to unfamiliar social situations or new people.

On one occasion I was hired with another girl to the same job that was initially only ment for one person. The boss said with a little teasing tone that we could compete with each other. I took it all with calm. If it wasen´t for the other girl who took it all very or too much seriously. She drove the whole range of dirty tricks and as soon as I had success with things you more green with envy, she was. It ended sadly when I gave up because I could not handle her. Now I was very young at the time and if it have been today I would probably have stayed and given her a real fight.When it comes to love relationships, there is no relationship more destroying than jealousy. Being jealous of your boyfriends female friends is a classic trap. And - yes, I have been in the degrading situation myself. But I have because of my experience, decided to stop thinking so negatively about myself and others. For what I send out will return to me. I send out love and positive thoughts about myself and I'll reap the rewards of that too.

Stockholm Fashion Week SS12

Swedens Fashion Week in Stockholm has just ended. I've gone through all the shows and here I are my favorites.

Mayla SS12

Ida Sjöstedt SS12



Odd Molly SS12



Busnel SS12



Rûtzou SS12



And the best dressed on front row was Elsa Billgren for ELLE. I love love love her style!

Emilia De Poret was stylish as always.

Sahara Hotnights matched each other.

Life is short eat cookies

It's apple time now in my garden and I enjoy these delicious fruits. You can do so much with them. For example, applesauce, apple juice and why not apple pie. Yummie!

Here is a recipe of the world's most delicious apple cake. Bake and enjoy!

2 eggs
2 cup sugar
2 cups flour
200 gr melted butter
4-5 apples, preferably a little sour
cinnamon
whipped cream with vanilla

Preheat the oven to 175 degrees.
Begin by melting the butter and allow to cool.
Peel the apples and cut it into bite-thick pieces. Add about 3 / 4 parts of the apples in a greased and bedded form.
Beat the eggs with the sugar a little light, so that it becomes porous.
Mix in the flour and then the melted butter.
Stir into a smooth batter.
Pour over apples. Next, add the rest of the apple pieces on top.
Sprinkle with cinnamon and a little sugar.
Into the oven (bottom) 175 degrees for about 45-50 min
Beat whipped cream with vanilla fluffy and add to the cake, it is super fresh and delicious.

Day 09 – Your beliefs

I believe in love. And quantum physics. What goes around comes around.



When I was younger I wondered why all too often happened to me. In particular, I focused on all the negative events and experiences such as divorce, relationship problems and other troubles. Added another problem as I had only evidence of my negative theory, see! everything is just shit what ever I do! It made me depressed and sad too often, and above all, it took an enormous amount of my energy.

Now that I am thirty-four years old, I am more grateful than ever about all that happened to me over the years, good and bad. I'm trying to think of it as that I never had been enriched with all the life skills I carry on today, even though if I had to fight my way through some parts of my life. Fighting create gratitude, awareness and humility for myself and the people around me might be just as they are for a reason that I might not have a clue of before.

In the future it is important to never forget that. That it´s through my greatest trials I developed most as a human being. May I never forget this. I choose to see life in that way everything happens for a reason. For that life will get better and that I should learn more about myself and thus also become more humble towards my fellow human beings.



In my book called God wears lipstick, there is a sense that I try to live by every day:

"Never expect anything from anyone before you Have given it yourself."

Never expect anything in life unless you are willing to first give it yourself. Positive begets positive and negative begets negative. There we have the essence of quantum physics.



♥

Fragments of Paris

Dress H&M
Hat ZARA
Shoes coggles.com
Bag coggles.com
Sunglasses goodhoodstore.com

Fragments of a life

I bought this wonderful coffetablebook about Marilyn Monroe. Imagine being able to read Marilyn's diaries, collected poems, inner thoughts and unfortunately difiicult anxiety. Crawl low under the skin of this legendary beautiful and inspiring woman. All with fascinating pictures and ideas. After I read Joyce Carol Oates novel about her Blonde, I'm totally stuck in Marilyns destiny.

Day 08 – A moment

The woman looked up at me with a light flickering and nervous eyes, snatched her knitted hat on the chair and went against me. She limped slightly, and I saw that her coarsed face had been through a lot.

- Yikes, she exclaimed suddenly, with a clear Finnish accent and I could smell a slight alcohol scent around her.

I smiled warmly at her and took her hand, which was rough as sandpaper.
- Hello! My name is Linda and dental assistant and you know what? I say the same when I go to the dentist.
She laughed and looked at me with big eyes, surprised.
- Damn, what a relief that I´m not alone! I drunk a big glass of alcohol this morning cause I wated to calm my nerves.

When we got into the treatment room, she threw her snuff pouch in the bin, took off the red worn down jacket and sat in the patient's chair.
I felt a twinge of nervousness in my stomach, trying to repress feelings of uncertainty for this first visit. While I washed my hands, I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.

- The dentist will be here soon. I just wanted to go through a few simple questions with you if it's OK?
- Well .... she said as she took a sip of it laid out water cups.

I sat down with her journal and began to ask for her data such as name, number and home address. Things that many of us are not so worried about, but the woman who sat in front of me, she found to difficult to answer.

- Well .... She squinted her eyes and stared at her worn and dirty trainers. I ... shit. I have not had a permanent home for many many years she finally said.

-I understand I said.

-But I sometimes I have contact with my doctor in Stockholm. I have had a wound on my foot that will not heal properly so I go to him sometimes.

I nodded and listened to her attentively.

- Are you getting any help from the social services, I asked.

The woman drew a long sigh and shook her head.

- I do not want those people i my life since they took my children. She looked me straight in the eyes to see how I reacted. Damn these bastards! she cried suddenly.

I winced a little, I almost dropped the journal and said without hesitation:

- Kirsti, now you are here with us, we will be able to help you with your problems with your teeth. Our dentist Patricia is a warm and professional human being to help people in your situation with their dental problems.

She looked at me and said she knows several friends who have been helped by Patricia and they become completely different people. They do not need to hide their smile anymore. That's why I'm here, she emphasized. I want to quit the booze and all the shit she said with tears in her voice.

I took her hand and promised her that she will be able to smile again without any embarrassment.