Thursday, 25 August 2011

Day 12 – Your fears

When I was little girl I was afraid of so many things. Like thunder, big black dogs, flies and drunk old men. There lived a fat drunk old man named Jerry on the floor below my best friend. He used to swear in Finnish at us kids when he came revelers with his drinking buddies on the yard. Every time I visited my best friend Jenny I stopped and became completely paralyzed with fear when I realized that I had to run past Jerrys door to get to my playmates door. I remember that I first stopped, hesitated if I would dare, and finally after a few seconds of shilly-shallying with high rabbit heart pulse I ran as fast as I could.

Today I am not afraid of drunk old men or big black dogs anymore. Partly because I have learned that alcohol often makes them wobbly and slow, and dogs ... as long as they are well behaved, they are of course wonderful.

But this does not mean that I´m completely free from fears. unfortunately. They just are a little different nowdays. For example, to really let people get close to me. Why is it one of my worst fears? I will do well as I am? Yes, theoretically, I know it, but emotionally I don´t know. The is a gap there. But I am at least aware of it now. I was not before.

A wise man told me once that self-esteem is like a sourdough. It must always be fed and maintained otherwise it dies. And the next thought that strikes me is what I feed it with ... In all the years I have been a real city girl all the way out to my fingertips. But today, I live in a charming small house in the countryside and I love it. To closely see the changes in nature and take in the harmony that nature gives to me is so spiritually good for my body and soul. The feeling of pulling up the blinds in the morning and look at my neighbor's beautiful horses are indescribable. It beats all the shopping streets in the world!

About the fears. I realize of course that they will still bee there but in different forms through my life. There is no point to avoid the fears all the time, it makes me probably just exhausted. It´s just to spit in my hands and meet them quite and easily. Something like that.

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